I was born in Midgard in '70 on the edge of town. Thor's hammer hit me in the head early. At 4 actively prayed to Odin; in kindergarten. The Valkyries first showed me pussy. Then school, a stinking axe, fights, a fir tree. That's how I got stronger. Stealing trophies in Midhall. Started smoking at 8, threw my first stick at 11. Abandoned my parents, started hanging out with my friends at the junkyard. I got kirzacs and a drakkar, Ivar died, I started going to the ristals. I bought some warrior gloves I stole at school. Found them, Olof and Anton were fucked. Carpet, bloodstains, they put Odin on the register. I hacked into a drakkar at night, the boys honored me, time is running out. From a raid on England, he got a kidney kick, drunken Thor fucked him up. Moved to Valkyrie in Valhalla. Started gutting giants with my friends on Rizhskaya. Killed Freya, that's how it happened. Ended up in the federal, took the first drakkar. Hanged on berserk potion, a bottle of spruce cured me, thanks to the bartender. Trial, a year later the sentence was a spot. North, Nords, Vikings, fierce faces. He went to the promotion, jumped out of Holmgang with a sucker. Gone to the forest to eat his meat, freight train, hitchhikers. Midgard, I'm sitting with the brothers. New badge, new dracar, new oars. Solving issues, mountains of coconut. I got married, I'm in a mansion in Reykjavik. Son born, mother dead, sunbathing for six months in Constantinople. Rum, coconut, I'm sick of fucking English girls. Knott's to Normandy, reception in Le Havre, shut down specifically. Didn't have time to feed the Normans, they started stabbing, where are the trophies? Remembered the move to Valhalla, got the old axe. They realized he was a dangerous passenger and took him to the country house. Locked in the basement like a tomb. They demanded trophies, they fucking killed all the warriors. I refused, and one day Ragnar and another motherfucker come in. They pull out their axes, take off their underpants. “Have you changed your mind?” - I hear. “No,” I said, ”men.” I remembered the evening by the river, the shish kebab, how Mimir was fangirled. Brothers with beer; fuck, we knew how to have a nice vacation! A pair of axes looked in my direction Like a mother's eyes when she was being honored Fuck my dick, what a great time it was in Valhalla. Sunsets, shorts, palm trees. I see it raised above my head. I remembered my son, my warrior's gloves, Odin the Guardian. First axe hit my hand, it hurt like a bitch. The second one hit me in the cheek, slashing asshole. Spit out three teeth on the concrete. Then in the leg and stomach, the trophies were taken. They're talking about raids, they've forgotten about me. Blood filled my mouth, that's it, we're in Hel.